I want to start making decisions aligned with my values. Something I feel privileged to do with my freedom...
I was never taught what to do with Anger. I did the best I knew how.
Happiness, Excitement and Hope those are easy emotions, so I always welcomed them with open arms, tea and a sandwich!
But Anger; I didn’t really know what to do with her.
I can hear her coming from afar. I always felt afraid of her impact on me. Her energy caused me to over-react or not react in situations and I felt confused. So, I spent the last 30 years ignoring, repressing and apologizing every time she came around.
Last week sitting in my house I heard Anger from afar. I got up; slammed the windows and locked all the doors.
I can see her from the little peephole on the door.
“Oh… It’s you again, why are you so angry again… You’re over-reacting!”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, go way! Please? How about a sandwich?”
I can see her. She’s slender dressed in a beige gown. Her long silver hair embraces my house. I can feel her hands pushing against the door. It looks really windy out there.
“Wow, it sure looks windy out there… Can you come back tomorrow?”
And this time, the door breaks open.
I fall to the ground.
Anger enters and the room and soaks it in deep yellows and purples.
It’s heavy and dense. The energy presses and slams onto my chest, neck and jaw. It’s very, very loud.
Defeated... I get up and whisper...
“I surrender... I surrender. Tell me, what do I need to know?”
And slowly, Anger changes its’ colors to pinks, purples and light shades of blues.
For a moment I am swirling around with Anger. We chant and swim in the colors. All of the thoughts from the experience feel really far away. The pressure builds and it I start to feel like I'm drowning.
I need to release our energy and suddenly realize that I need to get to a window. I make my way towards the closest one and push them open.
Anger and her colors shoot through. They rise high up to the sky and swirl like milkshake. My my throat opens and I start to sing, cry and chant!
Anger changes into deep reds, dark blues and rich purples.
The colors circle around the clouds. They race down towards the ocean; barely kissing the water as they gallop and make deep marks on the sand.
Anger makes a final round above my house and the wind slows down.
She waves as she prepares to walk away. She looks a bit out of breath, but I can see a slight grin. Her hair gently sways with the wind. She nods and disappears.
I turn to sit down. I can feel the tender sting of my swollen eyelids. I know, there is love in them. I feel free and released.
I pick up my pen and paper now feeling ready to address the anger. I start to write about what happened and how it made me feel: angry, resentful and confused.
I uncovered that I value unity and collaboration. I also believe in mutual respect, self-compassion, saying "no", unconditional forgiveness, second chances, an open heart and speaking the truth.
I'm learning to embrace and create space for her force in our life, together.
The last painting I worked on was supposed to be of a woman at the beach on a sunny day.
But Anger came on the day of the Woman's March; the same day I finished this painting. The energy from Civic Center (right by my place); and my personal experiences turned the painting into a stormy night scene of a woman dancing or chanting to a giant moon.
As an Asian woman, a daughter of a single mother, a woman in tech, single in her 30’s and more recently a woman artist. I have had experiences as a woman when Anger arrived but I ignored her. I feel sad, but can't change those.
I know that if I want change I have to show up as the change. I’ve had both inspiring men and women in my life. Going forward with everyone, if experiences that don’t align with my truth comes up in the future and Anger knocks; I'll be ready for her without, a sandwich. She doesn't seem to enjoy those.
I'm ready to learn to speak my truth.
Love and grace,
Wynne & Anger