Chapter 6:

Self-Expression Doesn't Seek Anything

 
Stand By Me   Acrylic on muslin, Wynne Leung 2017

Stand By Me
Acrylic on muslin, Wynne Leung
2017

 

Last week my hand trembled before I started to paint.

I felt confused.

If there is something to describe how it feels inside before I start to make; it would be a horse behind a white fence.

I can hear her breathing and her hoofs pounding. Thump, thump, thump... and I know that the only thing she wants is for me to open the fence so she can run for miles and miles! So, I lift the fence, touch her face and watch her go!

At the Cirque, Fernando, Rider on a White Horse,  Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (French, 1864-1901)

At the Cirque, Fernando, Rider on a White Horse, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (French, 1864-1901)


As she runs I watch her and think:

"Oh, what nice leaps she made! That was a high jump! Oh, look how fast we're going!"

Then, somehow through this because in society I've been taught to strive and to be "better" at something; I started to force my beautiful horse to do tricks:

"Darlin' can you please run faster, jump higher and oh yes, please run for a purpose."

So, my horse who just wanted to go outside for a run and feel the wind on her face is now super confused, defeated and somehow trying to perform and run really fast.

This is the state of my connected being right now.

See I know that my soul aka the horse is doing what she knows best. She knows that it will make us feel sick if the energy doesn't channel outwards. So she's doing the logical thing which is to ask to go outside and to run! But I have taught her to run and strive and now she is afraid.

 
Stand By Me   Acrylic on muslin, Wynne Leung 2017

Stand By Me
Acrylic on muslin, Wynne Leung
2017

 

Last week when my hand trembled I was really disturbed. I felt brokenhearted knowing that it's possible to feel so terrified while doing something that I enjoy so much. 

So, I'm willing to stop seeking anything in self-expression. I am willing to open my heart to layers of surprises.

I am practicing this, and I'm nervous because it feels like I'm blindly going at it, but I am willing to try.

Everyday, I gently focus on how I feel, today. To connect with my body, my horse my being so I can be here in the present moment. Because it's when I'm here that I'm not trying to be somewhere tomorrow or worrying about yesterday.

I will leave this here; as there is no striving for any conclusion; because this was more of an observation and a willingness to adjust. 

I love that I and you and everyone else has creativity as a tool to self-express and channel our emotions. I hope to continue to use these tools to self-express without striving. 

Love and grace,

Wynne