While I was painting this… I felt my heart breaking. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I felt it. I felt myself feel the wholeness of my heart and then so much courage? Courage to destroy it. To see it break. To feel the energy of it.
I can see my heart torn, flung into a million pieces. I’ve always kept my heart from breaking. Kept it from breaking in every relationship. Work, friendships. I remained untouchable. If I felt nothing, maybe I would never feel the shame from letting life touch me in a way that I thought, was robbery.
My father, who never came back for me at four… Broke my heart. I felt robbed. Robbed.
I felt like he took something of mine that belonged just to me. Something sacred. I can’t describe it but it was whole. I never got a chance to savor love. To feel safe enough to give myself to love. To put myself “out there”. To let life touch me. Because I was broken. He broke into me and robbed me. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was empty.
From that point onwards, I made sure of that. I made sure that I hid everything that could or would show anyone that I was empty. That I was robbed of everything. That I hated myself. That I believed it owed to me everything that it could never, repay me.
How do you give to someone who never had nothing, who never wanted anything? Who never dared dream of anything. How does a person know, what they want when they never had this feeling of having everything? It seems impossible, to give to a person who never had anything, who never wanted anything and now, who has everything can feel nothing. I don’t know.
So today, my heart broke. It broke so that all the fluids inside of it can splash and pour out, gush out. Every small ounce of hope and joy that I sewed back together from nothing could break entirely so that it can feel together with this life. To hear the shattering of it hitting the floor. Knowing that it broke entirely. I know that it did this time. I threw it on the floor pretty hard.
There’s something cathartic that happens when this happens. I’m able to feel and see clearer. My mind feels more present. I am more together with the pain and suffering than away from it. It’s like as if I’ve brought it closer to my heart and danced with it, in an embrace. I’m no longer scared of the pain and suffering. I am able to testify to it and testify to all of it’s truths. All the way that it bends and hurts my life. All the way that it was supposed to. I can take that in now, and rejoice in the pain. To feel an acceptance to this world and all of its’ unfairness. As it was never fair to begin with.
I can see that and I am willing to pour everything of me into my life. It had to break though, pretty bad for this to happen. It had to break.
- Wynne Leung McIntosh